In Me

The chasm was deep
The debt was so great
And there on my hands, lay the blood that condemned me

Wracked with my guilt
Left without hope
I stood as one lost, left there to die in my sin

As I waited
For the verdict
I heard a Voice say "Come find forgiveness in Me"

"My blood has paid your debt
My Son has set you free
For the crimson that stained you
Has been pardoned forever
Washed clean by a perfect sacrifice
Now come find your rest
Come find your peace
Come find your life in Me"

As I listened
I heard Him say
"Now come with Me into the lives of the broken ones"

"Share my peace
Share my love
Share the forgiveness I offer to everyone"

Forgiveness made a way
Forever I'm made new
And as I live in Him
I will not e'er forget
The day that Love called my name
So I'll live to make Him known
And long for the coming day
When I'll see Him
And be like Him
Forever spend
Eternity in Him

Don’t Resurrect Your Giants

Have you ever been given victory over a giant in your life, only to face the same thing later on? I have. Many times. And right now is no exception.

Last night at Chi Alpha, my friend and brother Nate shared a sermon on being a giant killer. He took the well-known story of David and Goliath and was able to apply it to the giants we face in our own lives. Basically, he gave 4 characteristics of giant killers:

• Giant killers don't start out as giant killers.
  
  • David started out as a shepherd. He was faithful with what he was given, and that prepared him for the challenges he would face later.
    
• Giant killers don't listen to doubting critics.
  
  • They choose their influences wisely. What would have happened if David had listened to his brother or Saul? He likely would have backed off in fear, and we wouldn't have the story of a young man putting the entire Philistine army to shame.
    
• Giant killers are ready for giant challenges.
  
  • When the time came for David to fight, he didn't put it off for another day. He had prepared himself by daily being in the Word and in prayer, so when his time came to take a stand for the name of the Lord, he was ready.
    
• Giant killers help others defeat their giants.
  
  • You cannot help someone else take down their giant unless you've taken down your own.
    

That last point hit home last night. Right now God has put me in a position to walk someone through a situation that I recently dealt with. I came through victorious, though not without bumps and bruises along the way. But because of this situation we're facing right now, I have been reliving that battle almost on a daily basis. It has been getting hard lately, but last night I almost had to laugh as I could hear God saying "Andrea, you've already taken down this giant. Don't resurrect it!" It is beginning to sink in that He didn't bring this situation into my life for me to relive last year, but to help someone else be victorious. I've heard so many times before "You minister most effectively in your area of brokenness," but for once I'm seeing it in my own life. What a great privilege and responsibility.

So my questions to you are this: What giants are you facing in your life today? Maybe it's bitterness; or perhaps insecurity. Maybe decisions that need to be made, or a family that is falling apart. I don't know what you may be facing today, but whatever it is, I encourage you to arm yourself for battle by being in the Word and in prayer constantly. He will give you victory. All you have to do is ask. My other question is: Is there someone in your life who is battling something you've already gone through? God just may be calling you to help them take it down. Ask Him for wisdom, and for opportunities to give away the victory you've been given.

Finally, when you have taken down a giant, leave him there. Once he's dead, go on with life and don't pick him up and try to carry him around with you.

Don't resurrect your giants.

Running

School has just started up, and I've already hit the ground running. I didn't know it was even possible for instructors to look you in the eye, smile, and say they expect this much out of you. I told a friend yesterday that I pretty much don't have time to eat, sleep, or breathe again until May. I am not exaggerating. If you saw the list of homework and studying I already have to do you'd probably think I was lying. Nursing school is finally hitting full force. And I am loving it.

But the only reason I can say that I love it is because of what God did in my life right before school started. This past Sunday, the day before the semester started, I started having a mini meltdown about school. Panic started coursing through me and I began to wonder what in the world I had gotten myself into. Then Sunday night, as I was spending time in God's presence after church, in one instant He completely overwhelmed me with an indescribable peace and joy about the whole thing. Later that night I was just sitting with a friend, not really saying anything, when she commented "You're just so peaceful right now." I had to smile as I thought, "Yeah, right now. But if you had seen me about 10 minutes ago..." Then Monday I was in the nursing lab printing off about ten thousand pages worth of stuff, talking with classmates, when it hit me again and again I started feeling overwhelmed. That was when I stopped and realized "Okay, right now I have a choice. I can either choose to let this consume me, terrify me, and burn me out; or I can choose to run to God right now, lay it down, and let Him take care of it." Guess which one I chose? :)

Monday night a friend shared an analogy with me that has really struck a chord with me. Basically, she compared my life to a vase, full of God's joy, and peace, and love. This semester is going to be a hard one, and there will constantly be things trying to crack that vase and drain me of everything God has for me; whether it be schoolwork, family issues, classmates/friends getting on my nerves, etc. But as long as I always run to God first and foremost to be filled again, I'll never run dry, and I'll never burn out. That is so true, and so exactly what I've been learning. It's easy to try to deal with the "little" things on my own, but it's so important for me to run to God first. Always, always, always run to God. He's the only One that can carry me through this.

I want to leave you with the lyrics to a song that has become one of my favorites lately. It's called Running, and it is exactly what I'm learning to do.

I hear the voice
The voice of the One I love
He's calling my name
(repeat)

He's saying
"Come up higher
And hear the angels sing
Come up higher
My beloved
Come up higher
And leave this world behind
You'll find Me to be beautiful"

I am running
Running after You
You've become my soul's delight
I am running
Running after You
Here with You I find my life

One thing have I desired
This will I seek after
To dwell in Your house forevermore
Now I'm running after
The thing that really matters
You've become my joy and song
You've become my joy and song
You've become my joy and song

20 things I love about my life

1) Jesus and His amazing, unchanging, unfailing love that He so lavishly pours out on me
2) Music (also known as the air I breathe); and the passion and ability God has given me to play
3) My family, which has grown exponentially over the past year
4) Chi Alpha, and the opportunity it has given me to grow as a leader
5) NDSU - my second home and my mission field
6) The laughter my friends bring to my life
7) Books - my one downfall when it comes to buying stuff =]
8) Learning new things
9) My small group
10) Naps - the true mark of a college student =]
11) My church, and the amazing Jesus-loving people there
12) Writing (not college papers though!)
13) Cuddle duds - best invention EVER (especially when you have to walk from T-lot to Sudro every day)
14) My nursing class - I am blessed to have the classmates I do
15) Puppy chow - the ultimate late-night study snack!
16) The never-ending opportunity school has given me to learn to trust God for everything and not let grades define my walk (a.k.a. thank you MJ and Dr. Wright)
17) Friends who will encourage me and hold me accountable - and who refuse to allow me to say "I'm fine" and pretend that everything's okay
18) The internet, for allowing me to stay in contact with friends who live a gazillion miles away
19) SALT 2010 - it's where God forever changed my life. And SALT 2011 - the countdown has begun!
20) All the trials and brokenness I walked through in the last few years - it is through those hard times God has made me who I am today. I can truly say the pain was worth it all.

60 Seconds

This past September I went on a retreat with Chi Alpha, and during one of the services the speaker shared a story that has stuck with me and challenged me over and over.

At one point during his ministry, Bill was a youth minister at a church. During his time at that church, he had a family leave the church in anger and resentment. And after they left, he began to worry about them, and how the kids would respond to their parents' bitterness, and how it would affect the kids in his youth group, and the rest of the church. Finally, he went to his senior pastor and shared his fears and concerns. The senior pastor proceeded to pull out a 60-second egg timer and place it on his desk. Needless to say, Bill was a bit confused as to the purpose of a timer. The senior pastor looked at him and said, "Alright Bill, I'm going to set this timer, and for the next 60 seconds we're going to worry really hard about the family." Bill's confusion didn't diminish any more as the pastor set the timer and watched it count down. When the timer went off, the senior pastor said "Now we're done worrying about them. Let it go." Bill argued a bit as he tried to figure this out, but the pastor just said "No, you've given your time and energy worrying, now you let it go. Your 60 seconds are up."

Bill went on to talk about surrendering everything to the Lord, and not being weighed down with fear or concern, but that simple statement has been forever seared into my soul. Your 60 seconds are up. In fact, I have it written on my dry-erase board in my room as a reminder. Every time I start to worry about something or let fear or doubt or concern take over my life, I see that statement, and I think "Okay, my time for worrying about this is up." And then I let it go. It's so simple, but it's been so powerful. For whatever reason, it has struck a chord within me and when I see that statement it's easy to let the weight be lifted off my shoulders.

So the next time you're overwhelmed or feeling fearful of something, take 60 seconds to worry about it if you need to, and then let it go. Jesus knows what He's doing with your life, and He will take care of you.

Your 60 seconds are up.

My world

I have recently come to the conclusion that, as a nursing student, I live in a cave. At least when it comes to the world outside my campus. I am ridiculously out of the loop when it comes to world news, politics, or even local news for that matter. It's kinda amusing at times, to be honest. I've heard so many people complain about all the political ads and how ready they are for elections to be over, and I could honestly count on one hand the number of ads I've heard. I haven't watched a news broadcast since the beginning of the summer, so to say I've been in a few situations where I've had to say "Wait, what happened?" would be the understatement of the century. And don't even ask me about local events... no clue. Sad? Well, maybe. Perhaps I should be paying a bit more attention to the world... okay, scratch that. I know I should. At least enough to have some sort of idea of what's been going on.

But. Yeah, you knew there was a but coming, didn't you? But I know what's going on in the world God has placed me in. I know what my small group girls are going through. I know what I need to be praying for, and when I should be praying. I've watched breakthroughs happen. I've seen people turn to Jesus. I know when I need to drop to my knees and intercede for someone. I've walked into situations that only God could have orchestrated so perfectly to let His glory be revealed. I'm not perfect; far from it. I still fall; I still miss it; and I still make mistakes. But with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I am striving to be completely aware of what's going on in my world.

Are you so concerned with what's going on half a world away that you don't even see the broken heart in the person sitting next to you in class? Are you watching the political campaigning with such intensity that you ignore the battle that's being waged over your neighbor's very soul?

I'm not saying we shouldn't be aware of what's going on in the world. But don't get so caught up in the "big" picture that you ignore the details. The next person God brings into your life could be the one to change the world. Be faithful in small things, because souls really aren't small.

You are for me

So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all You do

You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

So patient
So gracious
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all You do

~Kari Jobe

A different beat

Music is my heartbeat.

Seriously. That statement is not an exaggeration. I live, breathe, eat, and sleep music. I am constantly singing (much to my family's chagrin, at times), and I have friends who tease me about the way my fingers always seem to find a surface to tap on (majorly unbreakable habit after playing piano for so long). At any given moment I will have at least one song running through my head - all day, every day. Give me a piano or let me listen to someone sing and I'm the happiest girl in the world. And now I will go completely music-nerd on you and admit that whenever I hear an orchestra or band playing, I will literally stop in my tracks, turn to the source of the sound, and listen for a while. Even if I'm on my way to class, or walking with a friend. Yes, I'm a dork. =] No, I don't care. Music touches and moves my very soul, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

So. All that to say, because music is such an integral part of who I am, God has used it to get His point across. And tonight it finally worked. I finally listened.

The last few weeks I've really been struggling with comparing myself to others. Mostly in the area of school. The classes I'm taking at the moment are anything but easy, and I'm giving every ounce of effort I can. And yet for as hard as I try, the results have been beyond frustrating and disappointing. But the thing that's been really hard is that last year I watched friends take the same classes and succeed at them. I watched them, listened to them, and sought out their advice as to how to succeed. And up until this point I've felt like a complete failure. Last year I put in the effort and I got the results I needed; this year I've struggled. I know I'm fully capable of doing this, and I'm meant to be here, so what's going on? It's even carried over into leadership in Chi Alpha. I've felt inadequate and like I don't measure up when I look at those around me. Once again, I know I'm called to be here, so what's the problem?

Well, last night answered that question. I was at the altar after church pouring my heart out to God about this when He simply said "Walk to My beat." Four words. Four simple words that hit me like a freight train. "Walk to My beat." It's something He's been trying to tell me even before school started. And though I've most definitely heard Him, for some reason I couldn't follow. Finally last night it sunk in. I'm not supposed to walk in step with anyone else. They can hear the rhythm God has given for their lives. I can't. God made me perfectly able to succeed in whatever I do as long as I follow Him, not anyone else. I've been hearing it over and over again; I've even had friends who've tried to tell me the same thing. But last night for the first time it penetrated me and became my heart's desire. I dropped to my knees and wept as I cried out "Let me hear it! I'm sick of trying to walk in step with those around me. I can't hear their rhythm and I fall anyway. I'm Yours again. Let me hear Your rhythm. Teach me. Teach me how to study, how to lead, how to live. Teach me to walk to Your beat. I want to hear Your rhythm for my life. I want to walk to Your beat, and I don't care if it's not in step with anyone else."

I won't say it's going to be easy from now on. I know it's still a process that God is bringing me through. But this time, I'm actually listening for His rhythm. I'm learning to walk to His beat.

I am not a leader

Actually that's not entirely true, I just can't come up with a better title at the moment. :)

If you had told me a year ago that I would be who I am today, doing the things I'm doing today, I would have done one of two things: 1) laughed at you and told you that you were crazy; or 2) hidden in fear. Or maybe I would have said "Okay, how do I get there?" Yeah, or maybe not. Anyway, the title of this post is pretty contradictory, because I am indeed a leader today. Not by choice. Not because of anything I've done or anything I can do. Simply because God has pulled me up off my lazy rear end and said "Nice try, but you're done following. YOU are the pace-setter. YOU are the leader. YOU are the world-changer. YOU will impact these people for the rest of their lives. Now move." Throughout my entire life, though especially the last year and continuing today, He has prepared and trained me for leadership--beginning in Chi Alpha. He has shown me where I belong; what I do best; and how He wants me to lead. I am a leader, and for the first time, I can say that without feeling inadequate. It's been a struggle; for the longest time, if someone would look to me as a leader, I would be inwardly thinking "No, I'm not. I am so unqualified. Go to (this person) or (that person); they are so much more of a leader than me." And I am still unqualified on my own. Apart from God, I can do nothing. However, with Him working through me, I can do anything He calls me to do. And right now He's called me to lead. He has placed people in my life for me to pour into and encourage and walk with and minister to. And, as Abraham Lincoln once said, "Without the assistance of [God], I cannot succeed. With His help, I cannot fail." I am a leader. I can say with absolute assurance that, by the grace of God, I am a world-changer.

However. I don't want to be known as a leader. And you're asking "Wait--what? You just got done telling me how you are a leader... huh?" Yet it's true. It is so not my heart to be known as a leader. And I don't want to be known as someone who knows a lot of people. I want to be known as a friend. I don't want my status to be defined as "She's a leader in Chi Alpha. And she knows everyone." It drives me absolutely nuts when people constantly comment about how many people I know. Yeah, it's true that I have a lot of friends. I can't walk across campus or even sit and do homework without seeing and talking to at least ten people I know. Hey, what can I say? But I can't stand it when people make a point of saying over and over "Wow, you're so popular," or "You just know everyone." Leadership should not be defined by who you know; it should be defined by who you don't know. By the people you're willing to invest in. I am a leader; but I want to be known as a friend to the friendless.

Most of you have heard me talk about Tiffany and the impact she's had on my life countless times, and I'm going to do it again. When I first met and got to know Tiff, I had no idea she was a leader in Chi Alpha. No clue. Even as we began to spend a lot of time together and she really started investing in my life and getting me involved in Chi Alpha, I had no idea. I knew she was a small group leader. I knew she knew a lot of people. But it wasn't until I began my journey into leadership under and beside her that I began to see just how great a leader she was--and still is. When I first met her, and even through the first few months of knowing her, all I knew was that she was a friend. She cared about me. She would sit by me at church or Chi Alpha so I didn't sit alone. She listened to me as I poured out my heart. She held me when I was falling apart and let me cry on her shoulder. She laughed with me until our sides ached. She was a friend, beyond anything else. And that was what made her a leader.

That is my heart's cry. I want to be a friend above anything. I want to love the person that most people would overlook as being fine and having it all together on their own. Let me tell you, I was that person, and I was a mess until God brought a friend into my life and radically transform me through her obedience.

When my life is done, will it really matter that I had a specific "title" within Chi Alpha--or any group for that matter? Will it really matter that I knew a ton of people and could be little miss social butterfly anywhere I went? No, not really. What counts is the lives I truly touched. When my friends watched me, did they see, and experience, the love of Jesus flowing through me? Jesus said we would be known by our love one for another. Could they see Him in me? Did I choose to be inconvenienced so I could reach a hurting heart? When my story on this side of eternity is finished, will I have loved until my final breath?

What is your culture?

This was the topic of my NURS 250 (Health Promotion) class period for today. To be honest, I have three classes talking about culture right now and I'm so sick of it I feel like I'll scream if I hear another lecture about it. And for the record, I absolutely hate this class at the moment. My instructor is very opinionated, in-your-face, and unbelievably liberal and feminist. The majority of what she says goes directly against everything I believe and have been taught all my life. However, this class is also the one that has made me stop and think the most. It makes me question my motives, and truly dig deep and define the foundation on which I stand. So while it's frustrating to no end at times, I definitely won't say that it's a waste of time.

Anyway, getting back to my original train of thought… the question she kept drumming into our heads was "What is your culture?" It's really interesting how most of my generation has no idea how to answer that. By asking that, are you asking: am I German, Norwegian, Native American, Chinese? Am I a Southerner, in the campus culture, in the medical world? What is culture? My instructor is partly Native American, and she grew up in that culture. She married a man who is Polish and grew up in a very close-nit Polish community. She integrated herself into that culture. But what is my culture? Well, to answer that, first I must know what exactly culture means. For the purpose of this post, I'll use my textbook's definition: "Culture is a dynamic adaptation, a learned way of life that includes interrelated attitudes, morals, beliefs, values, ideals, knowledge, symbols, artifacts, customs, traditions, and norms of a particular group that guide behavior, make life meaningful, and are transmitted intergenerationally." Wow, that's a mouthful. :)

Today in class my instructor asked "If you were in another country and someone asked you what your culture was, how many of you would say first and foremost that you're an American?" And pretty much everyone in the room raised their hand. I didn't. Sure, being American is important to me and to who I am, but it is by no means the first and foremost culture influencing my life.

So what is my culture? I am first and foremost a Christian. To borrow words from some great men and women of God, I am a part of the Jesus Culture. Christianity is who I am. It is the center of my life, and it encompasses every aspect of my life. I didn't grow up as an American first; from the time I first surrendered my life to my Savior, I grew up as a Christian above anything else. And even before that, it was still my family's way of life. The Jesus Culture is the best way I can describe it—so thank you to those who have officially started calling it such. Christianity is a culture. It was the basis for how I was raised. My parents' entire lives centered on bringing glory to their Savior, and instilling in their children what it meant to be part of the Kingdom of God. Yes, I am still an American. I still have many other cultures that have influenced me in many, many ways. But they don't define me. The Jesus Culture is who I am. The Cross is my heritage, and heaven is my future.

When will we truly understand that Christianity is a way of life? Will we ever realize that it's our fault that the world views Christianity as merely a religion instead of a lifestyle? If we would only grab hold of this concept and live in such a way that the whole world takes notice. I am not simply German, English, a nurse, a Midwesterner, a college student, an American. I am a Christian. Jesus defines who I am.