A different beat

Music is my heartbeat.

Seriously. That statement is not an exaggeration. I live, breathe, eat, and sleep music. I am constantly singing (much to my family's chagrin, at times), and I have friends who tease me about the way my fingers always seem to find a surface to tap on (majorly unbreakable habit after playing piano for so long). At any given moment I will have at least one song running through my head - all day, every day. Give me a piano or let me listen to someone sing and I'm the happiest girl in the world. And now I will go completely music-nerd on you and admit that whenever I hear an orchestra or band playing, I will literally stop in my tracks, turn to the source of the sound, and listen for a while. Even if I'm on my way to class, or walking with a friend. Yes, I'm a dork. =] No, I don't care. Music touches and moves my very soul, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

So. All that to say, because music is such an integral part of who I am, God has used it to get His point across. And tonight it finally worked. I finally listened.

The last few weeks I've really been struggling with comparing myself to others. Mostly in the area of school. The classes I'm taking at the moment are anything but easy, and I'm giving every ounce of effort I can. And yet for as hard as I try, the results have been beyond frustrating and disappointing. But the thing that's been really hard is that last year I watched friends take the same classes and succeed at them. I watched them, listened to them, and sought out their advice as to how to succeed. And up until this point I've felt like a complete failure. Last year I put in the effort and I got the results I needed; this year I've struggled. I know I'm fully capable of doing this, and I'm meant to be here, so what's going on? It's even carried over into leadership in Chi Alpha. I've felt inadequate and like I don't measure up when I look at those around me. Once again, I know I'm called to be here, so what's the problem?

Well, last night answered that question. I was at the altar after church pouring my heart out to God about this when He simply said "Walk to My beat." Four words. Four simple words that hit me like a freight train. "Walk to My beat." It's something He's been trying to tell me even before school started. And though I've most definitely heard Him, for some reason I couldn't follow. Finally last night it sunk in. I'm not supposed to walk in step with anyone else. They can hear the rhythm God has given for their lives. I can't. God made me perfectly able to succeed in whatever I do as long as I follow Him, not anyone else. I've been hearing it over and over again; I've even had friends who've tried to tell me the same thing. But last night for the first time it penetrated me and became my heart's desire. I dropped to my knees and wept as I cried out "Let me hear it! I'm sick of trying to walk in step with those around me. I can't hear their rhythm and I fall anyway. I'm Yours again. Let me hear Your rhythm. Teach me. Teach me how to study, how to lead, how to live. Teach me to walk to Your beat. I want to hear Your rhythm for my life. I want to walk to Your beat, and I don't care if it's not in step with anyone else."

I won't say it's going to be easy from now on. I know it's still a process that God is bringing me through. But this time, I'm actually listening for His rhythm. I'm learning to walk to His beat.