I jumped off a cliff last week.
Now, for those of you who don't quite understand the ridiculousness of that statement coming out of my mouth, let me break it down. I am terrified of heights. Just the thought of climbing on top of a step ladder gets my knees shaking sometimes. Now, that's not to say that I avoid heights; I do tend to be pretty fearless. I've been known to do some crazy things, and it doesn't particularly hinder my life. But unless my set designer is asking me to climb on top of scaffolding to rope some lights up, I don't really go looking for reasons to face that fear.
However. Sometimes life presents itself with learning opportunities that are too convenient to pass up. Such was the case last week. My creative team at our church had ventured out to the St. Cloud quarries about a month ago to shoot a sermon bumper* that involved someone running & jumping off a cliff (into water, for the record. Researched beforehand and perfectly safe). It's an incredible video, and probably one of my proudest achievements thus far. The scenery was beautiful, and it was pretty fun to watch a friend take that leap... over and over and over, as you filmmakers well know. :) After going out there the first time, I started itching to go back and do the jump myself. Like I said, it's a gorgeous place, in the middle of a natural reserve, and the water's great for swimming in too. With my brother moving in just a few short days, we decided it'd be a great way to spend one last Saturday together. So we packed up and headed out there early Saturday morning, and spent half the day at the quarry, swimming, talking, climbing, and of course, cliff jumping.
Let me tell you. There is nothing in the world like the feeling you get when you jump off a cliff. I cannot even put into words the feelings and thoughts that fly through your mind as you fly through the air. The moment your foot leaves the edge, there's an instant scream of "Shoot. What have I done?!" And then you have an eternity to think about it as you careen into the water. But then. The rush that happens when your head pops up from the water is beyond words. If you're like me, you're probably hyperventilating with a heart rate in the 200's; scenes from Tangled come to mind as you mirror Rapunzel's thought process of a terrified "I can't believe I did that." growing to an exhilarated "I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THAT!" And then you think "I've got to do that again!"
But can I be honest? The next time I got up to the top of the cliff, jumping was even scarier than the time before. I knew the terror that would fill my mind and body when I got to the edge after running. Yes, I also knew the rush awaiting me, but that didn't diminish the fear that came first. It still required a decision to take off running and not stop. The "what have I done" moment was still there. And the rush was still waiting for me at the bottom (as were a few nasty bruises this time around).
All that to say. I see a host of lessons to be learned in that process. We talked about it on our hike back to the car afterward. See, my brother and I are both in rather similar places in life. We've made decisions on the direction our lives are taking in the next nine months or so, and in all honesty, neither of us have any idea what awaits us, or what in the world we're doing after that. All either of us know is that these are the doors the Lord has opened before us, and if that's what it takes to walk with Him, that's what we'll do. And as we've begun to walk through those doors, we've been reminded again.
Walking by faith is often like jumping off a cliff. You know the next step the Lord has asked you to take, but you also know it's terrifying. So many unanswered questions, and so many unknowns. How am I supposed to do that? Will I be able to pay my bills? Who's going to be there for me? Will I end up alone? What next? How is that going to prepare me for the next season? Where will I live? What if I don't agree with everything I'm doing - even if it's not wrong? How can I be a light in the darkness? How am I supposed to preach the gospel if there's no platform? What if I lose my community? These and a thousand more questions often flood our minds and can leave us absolutely frozen in fear if we stand there long enough. But like I said, faith is often like jumping off a cliff. Stand there at the edge long enough and you'll talk yourself out of it every time. The thing we have to learn to do is take a running leap. Because when you run out over the edge, the decision is made five steps before you get there. There's no stopping, and when the "what have I done" moment comes, all you can do is scream as you jump. But, like the end of the jump, the end result of walking by faith is always the same. It's the only safe response to the calling of your Savior. He will always provide. He will always be faithful. And when you do reach the water, you'll look back and think "Man, that was fun. Why would I ever want to live any other way?"
And to be honest, the next time the Lord asks you to take a leap, it may be just as scary. In fact, sometimes it'll be even more terrifying. Just because you know the outcome doesn't mean fear ceases to exist. And the next time, you might have to start running even earlier. But it's not God's job to make you do things fearlessly. It's your job to do things while you're still afraid. Because by doing so, we're choosing to rely not on our logic, but on God's perfect love, which casts out fear. And with every moment of trust comes a moment of rejoicing as you can look back on your life and see God's constant faithfulness.
*Click here to see the sermon bumper I mentioned above. Video credit: Matthew Dunham, Andrea Steele, Keely Ronnevik. Property of First Assembly Creative Team.
8.27.2014
6.16.2014
The Truth About Grace
"But where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more." (Romans 5:20)
You know, I think today we have a pretty shallow understanding of the idea of grace. Most believers in the western hemisphere of this thing we call home (98% of us in fact, according to recent surveys), would define grace as God's extended forgiveness and subsequent salvation. And... that's it. Now while that is a good start, if that is all we believe grace is... Well, no wonder the western church seems to be as powerless and lethargic as it is. So, in light of what seems to be a growing mis-belief amongst Christians today, allow me to introduce a thought that, hopefully, will challenge and encourage you.
Grace isn't just about unmerited forgiveness. That's a start, and by all means, a crucial one. But grace doesn't stop there. No, I would propose to you today that grace is a powerful, fierce, unrelenting force. It is what clothes us in robes of righteousness as sons and daughters of God - as heirs to a kingdom. Know what an heir does? He conducts himself as one in the same position of authority as the one who gave it to him. Grace doesn't just free us from the bondage of sin - it empowers us to live in relentless pursuit of our Redeemer. And the by-products of that pursuit are an ever increasing holiness, as we continually radiate and reflect the One we worship on a deeper level; and the ability to walk in the authority given to us as Christ's ambassadors to this world. When you know who you are as a child of God, you can shake nations. Grace isn't just a parachute to put on before an airplane gets hit and nosedives out of the sky so you don't become a pile of mush on the ground; it's the training and equipment to lead an army into battle and zero in on your target to reclaim your God-given land and establish His authority once again.
Let's take a closer look at the verse above. The word "abounds" shows up twice in the verse, saying essentially that where sin ran rampant, grace was bigger. But here we see yet another reason I rather despise the English language, and it's terrible habit of destroying the depth of the gospel. The first Greek word for "abounds" is the word "pleonazo," which means generally what we consider "abounds" to mean: "to exist in abundance, or to be augmented." However, the word we translate "abounds" when speaking of the measure of grace is the word "hyperperisseuo." This word comes from a number of different roots, and can be translated as "to overflow, to exist so greatly as to establish preeminence, or to pierce through entirely." Now, think about this for a moment. Where sin ran rampant, grace pierced through entirely and established preeminence. Kind of points back to the Cross, doesn't it? Not only that, grace has rendered sin powerless over us. We are no longer slaves to sin, with wicked hearts, trying to just "hang in there" til Jesus comes back; we are forgiven, set free, given a new heart, and are commanded to establish His authority in the earth.
Sidenote, did you know that the word "grace" in the Greek actually comes from a root word meaning "joy, or great rejoicing"? And Nehemiah teaches us that the joy of the Lord is our strength. God also told Paul "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Here again we see that grace essentially equates to power.
Getting the picture yet? Forgiveness and salvation are a great start to understanding grace. But if we can look beyond the shoreline to see the ocean, it can build a foundation of trust and confidence strong enough to weather any storm.
You know, I think today we have a pretty shallow understanding of the idea of grace. Most believers in the western hemisphere of this thing we call home (98% of us in fact, according to recent surveys), would define grace as God's extended forgiveness and subsequent salvation. And... that's it. Now while that is a good start, if that is all we believe grace is... Well, no wonder the western church seems to be as powerless and lethargic as it is. So, in light of what seems to be a growing mis-belief amongst Christians today, allow me to introduce a thought that, hopefully, will challenge and encourage you.
Grace isn't just about unmerited forgiveness. That's a start, and by all means, a crucial one. But grace doesn't stop there. No, I would propose to you today that grace is a powerful, fierce, unrelenting force. It is what clothes us in robes of righteousness as sons and daughters of God - as heirs to a kingdom. Know what an heir does? He conducts himself as one in the same position of authority as the one who gave it to him. Grace doesn't just free us from the bondage of sin - it empowers us to live in relentless pursuit of our Redeemer. And the by-products of that pursuit are an ever increasing holiness, as we continually radiate and reflect the One we worship on a deeper level; and the ability to walk in the authority given to us as Christ's ambassadors to this world. When you know who you are as a child of God, you can shake nations. Grace isn't just a parachute to put on before an airplane gets hit and nosedives out of the sky so you don't become a pile of mush on the ground; it's the training and equipment to lead an army into battle and zero in on your target to reclaim your God-given land and establish His authority once again.
Let's take a closer look at the verse above. The word "abounds" shows up twice in the verse, saying essentially that where sin ran rampant, grace was bigger. But here we see yet another reason I rather despise the English language, and it's terrible habit of destroying the depth of the gospel. The first Greek word for "abounds" is the word "pleonazo," which means generally what we consider "abounds" to mean: "to exist in abundance, or to be augmented." However, the word we translate "abounds" when speaking of the measure of grace is the word "hyperperisseuo." This word comes from a number of different roots, and can be translated as "to overflow, to exist so greatly as to establish preeminence, or to pierce through entirely." Now, think about this for a moment. Where sin ran rampant, grace pierced through entirely and established preeminence. Kind of points back to the Cross, doesn't it? Not only that, grace has rendered sin powerless over us. We are no longer slaves to sin, with wicked hearts, trying to just "hang in there" til Jesus comes back; we are forgiven, set free, given a new heart, and are commanded to establish His authority in the earth.
Sidenote, did you know that the word "grace" in the Greek actually comes from a root word meaning "joy, or great rejoicing"? And Nehemiah teaches us that the joy of the Lord is our strength. God also told Paul "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Here again we see that grace essentially equates to power.
Getting the picture yet? Forgiveness and salvation are a great start to understanding grace. But if we can look beyond the shoreline to see the ocean, it can build a foundation of trust and confidence strong enough to weather any storm.
6.12.2014
The Source
Jeremiah 2:13
"For my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water."
John 4:10-15
"Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.” The woman said to him, “Sir, you have nothing to draw water with, and the well is deep. Where do you get that living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob? He gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did his sons and his livestock.” Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water, so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water."
How often do we run around trying to dig our own wells and find our own water sources to satisfy our aching and thirsty souls? And yet with every passing moment we are left dry and broken. We spend so much time trying to use different buckets that we fail to recognize that the problem isn't that we have the wrong bucket; it's that we're standing at the wrong well.
The issue often isn't our method, it's our source. Instead of trying harder, being more passionate, investing in different ministries or people, job-hopping, etc... Let's go back to the source and make sure we're drawing from the Lord, not our own ideas of what will satisfy. His Word sustains, and in His presence is fullness of joy. What is it about our nature that reaches for that promotion at work, or a relationship with this person, or a new wardrobe, or moving to this great city to fill the longing in our hearts? And each time those things fail, we, like Israel, look to another finite source to run after. We become disillusioned with one passion, but instead of considering the root of the problem, we simply slap a bandaid on it and run after the next thing that catches our attention. And all the while, Jesus is standing next to us saying "The bucket isn't the problem." If we would stop long enough to listen we would quickly realize He truly does offer water that never runs dry. He IS the well.
So the next time you end up feeling dry and empty from whatever you're chasing, instead of reaching for a different bucket, turn around and make sure you're standing at the Well of Living Water.
"For my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water."
John 4:10-15
"Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.” The woman said to him, “Sir, you have nothing to draw water with, and the well is deep. Where do you get that living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob? He gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did his sons and his livestock.” Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water, so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water."
How often do we run around trying to dig our own wells and find our own water sources to satisfy our aching and thirsty souls? And yet with every passing moment we are left dry and broken. We spend so much time trying to use different buckets that we fail to recognize that the problem isn't that we have the wrong bucket; it's that we're standing at the wrong well.
The issue often isn't our method, it's our source. Instead of trying harder, being more passionate, investing in different ministries or people, job-hopping, etc... Let's go back to the source and make sure we're drawing from the Lord, not our own ideas of what will satisfy. His Word sustains, and in His presence is fullness of joy. What is it about our nature that reaches for that promotion at work, or a relationship with this person, or a new wardrobe, or moving to this great city to fill the longing in our hearts? And each time those things fail, we, like Israel, look to another finite source to run after. We become disillusioned with one passion, but instead of considering the root of the problem, we simply slap a bandaid on it and run after the next thing that catches our attention. And all the while, Jesus is standing next to us saying "The bucket isn't the problem." If we would stop long enough to listen we would quickly realize He truly does offer water that never runs dry. He IS the well.
So the next time you end up feeling dry and empty from whatever you're chasing, instead of reaching for a different bucket, turn around and make sure you're standing at the Well of Living Water.
5.28.2014
Faithful
I didn’t understand a lot of things growing up (shocking, right?). I didn’t understand why my parents chose to move to Fargo; I couldn’t figure out how to love my brothers - especially the youngest one - to save my life. I didn’t understand the influence I seemed to have over my friends, or my brothers. My parents’ friendships and ministry often confused me, and I didn’t really know how to do life in community. But you know what one of the biggest things I didn’t understand was? I could not figure out my parents’ relationship with each other. I found it weird and confusing… and also secure and comforting. I mean, you oughta hear their story. It’s crazy… and a pretty good summation of our entire lives as a family, actually. God is good, and if you actually make an effort to listen, He really will lead you in the path of life.
As the years have gone by, I think I’ve begun to understand it a bit more. My parents truly are best friends. I don’t think I ever really believed them when they would say that when I was a kid. I mean, come on, who actually means that? My parents, I guess. And when they say they’re continually more in love with each other than before, it’s absolute truth. I guess I had a pretty skewed idea of what it meant to be in love, to be friends - thank you, society. As I’ve grown, I’ve begun to watch my parents more. I catch the looks they give each other. The way they do seemingly meaningless stuff like running errands together, and genuinely enjoy it. My parents’ love isn’t necessarily the most hopelessly romantic, or exuberantly adventurous… But you know what it is? It’s faithful. It’s one I’ve watched walk through heartache and trials and storms and confusion, and grow stronger through it all. Sure there were disagreements and struggles in our house. But one area we never, ever, feared was our parents’ marriage breaking apart. The thought never even crossed my mind. People sometimes tell me I know how to be a faithful friend - and I’m honored to be able to say my parents are the number one reason for that. They showed me how. And the other thing (well, one more among many) that stands out? Their sacrifice. They’ve given so much to walk with God in the plans He’s called them to - and SO much to raise my brothers and me. This last weekend, for the third time in five years, my parents celebrated their wedding anniversary, not by focusing on the two of them, but by having a high school graduation day for their kids. Robbie is officially done with high school, and once again my parents prioritized him (and our family) above themselves, without a word of complaint. Selflessness in action, my friends.
Anyhow. I had no other point in this post, other than to take a moment to honor two of my heroes.
3.12.2014
You asked for it
Let me just give a word of warning to those of you who haven't walked with the Lord long enough to learn this lesson firsthand: Be careful what you pray for. Or in my case, be careful what you sing. Because God hears the words you use.
As I've said before, this year has been a storm beyond anything I ever saw coming. And in all honesty I never would have asked for it if I knew what it was going to entail. Everything I've ever known to be constant has been stripped from me and I've been left with a world crumbling around me. I've had to learn how to work through the realization that just because you're called to something doesn't mean you're going to be passionate about it. And for me, not being passionate about something that takes up the majority of my time is not something I'm used to. I also don't handle it very well. Most of the time, if I'm going to do something, I either do it with a drive that borders on reckless, or I forget about it altogether. No middle ground. Until you give your word to stick to something for a year and about three months in you realize you don't like it, and you're stuck with the fact that you gave your word. Amidst the waiting, the process, the battle... the storm... I've lost friends, my community, my strengths, the areas of ministry I once was so passionate about, my identity... Nothing left as the Lord has begun to rebuild a foundation that I didn't realize needed to be there. I've been a tad bitter about it at times.
However.
Back in January I was at a SALT conference and the Lord totally nailed me about it one night. During worship, I wasn't on the team for the night, so I was just off to the side of the stage worshiping. We started singing Hillsong's "I Surrender," which is a song that had really become my heart's cry about a year previously. Part of the bridge says "Like a mighty storm, stir within my soul. Lord have Your way in me." And as the team sang this, the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said "You asked for it." I had to sit there for a while to let that sink in and come to terms with it. Because He was absolutely right. There are times in your life when you become so desperate to reach a new level of intimacy with God that you will be forced to say "No matter the cost, I just need You." In my case, it usually comes in the form of songs... and the one that happened to move my heart asked for a storm. Oops.
The seasons of life come and go, and I think half our battle is to simply be okay with living in the ebb and flow of emotions and passions... the highs and lows. I want so badly to be over the weight of frustration, pain, and depression that can linger and overwhelm as the enemy wounds you over and over in the same raw, tender areas. But sometimes the whole point of the storm is to learn to anchor yourself in who you KNOW God to be. That He loves you, He is for you, and He knows what He's doing. When we try to run from the storm we end up sinking - but when we focus on Jesus, we still may feel the waves crashing around us, but He will hold our head above those waves. And every battle we face, every storm that rages over us, is a new opportunity to choose to trust the One who promised He would never leave us.
Hillsong: I Surrender
As I've said before, this year has been a storm beyond anything I ever saw coming. And in all honesty I never would have asked for it if I knew what it was going to entail. Everything I've ever known to be constant has been stripped from me and I've been left with a world crumbling around me. I've had to learn how to work through the realization that just because you're called to something doesn't mean you're going to be passionate about it. And for me, not being passionate about something that takes up the majority of my time is not something I'm used to. I also don't handle it very well. Most of the time, if I'm going to do something, I either do it with a drive that borders on reckless, or I forget about it altogether. No middle ground. Until you give your word to stick to something for a year and about three months in you realize you don't like it, and you're stuck with the fact that you gave your word. Amidst the waiting, the process, the battle... the storm... I've lost friends, my community, my strengths, the areas of ministry I once was so passionate about, my identity... Nothing left as the Lord has begun to rebuild a foundation that I didn't realize needed to be there. I've been a tad bitter about it at times.
However.
Back in January I was at a SALT conference and the Lord totally nailed me about it one night. During worship, I wasn't on the team for the night, so I was just off to the side of the stage worshiping. We started singing Hillsong's "I Surrender," which is a song that had really become my heart's cry about a year previously. Part of the bridge says "Like a mighty storm, stir within my soul. Lord have Your way in me." And as the team sang this, the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said "You asked for it." I had to sit there for a while to let that sink in and come to terms with it. Because He was absolutely right. There are times in your life when you become so desperate to reach a new level of intimacy with God that you will be forced to say "No matter the cost, I just need You." In my case, it usually comes in the form of songs... and the one that happened to move my heart asked for a storm. Oops.
The seasons of life come and go, and I think half our battle is to simply be okay with living in the ebb and flow of emotions and passions... the highs and lows. I want so badly to be over the weight of frustration, pain, and depression that can linger and overwhelm as the enemy wounds you over and over in the same raw, tender areas. But sometimes the whole point of the storm is to learn to anchor yourself in who you KNOW God to be. That He loves you, He is for you, and He knows what He's doing. When we try to run from the storm we end up sinking - but when we focus on Jesus, we still may feel the waves crashing around us, but He will hold our head above those waves. And every battle we face, every storm that rages over us, is a new opportunity to choose to trust the One who promised He would never leave us.
Hillsong: I Surrender
1.03.2014
New Every Morning
I probably wouldn't even know it's a new year if I hadn't spent half of one shift at the hospital signing and dating things in 2013, and the other half as 2014. Alas, a new year is upon us, and with that comes... A new me. Right? Or maybe not. I have heard the old "New year, new me" cliche so many times in the last week it makes me want to throw up. Seriously. Or maybe punch a wall. Or both. In the rare moments that I did think about the year turning over and becoming new, I also thought about all the new resolutions being made this week. Promises that often don't change, and rarely are seen realized. Yet we continue to claim that "this year will be different!" It breaks me to see someone continue to fight through the same battles, and it frustrates me to watch others make the same promises. And both to hold on to some weird thought that January 1st will change things. You know what comes to my mind in all of this? "His mercies are new every morning; great is Thy faithfulness." I guess somewhere inside of me I get that the start of the year is a reminder to start anew; but what if instead, we chose to remember that every morning we have the ability to start over? That instead of standing under a cloud of oppression and shame over the things we've struggled with, waiting for that one chance to get out, we looked up and realized that God never runs out of brand new mercy and grace? The moment to start running after something new doesn't come around on one day a year; it begins the moment you hear your Maker calling your name.
I've changed in the last year. And by last year I don't mean last week when it was 2013. These last six months have been quite possibly the hardest six months of my entire life. And in all honesty, I don't particularly anticipate the next six months to be any different. Or easier. Work is hard. Being a nurse - what's more, being a night nurse - is hard. Growing up is hard. Losing friends and community is hard. Finishing a part of a calling on your life and having no stinking clue where to go after that is hard. And learning to remain faithful to your word, work, ministry, etc, and staying where you know you're supposed to, while you know God is calling and preparing you for something else, somewhere else, after that is freaking hard. I'm not going to pretend that the start of a new year can bring a change in me or my circumstances. That doesn't happen overnight. What I can say is that I will continue to fight. And I'll continue to journey through this freaking hard season so that I can come out on the other side more firmly planted in the foundation that is my Father's love than I've ever been. To be a more pure and holy reflection of Him than I was a year ago, a week ago, or a moment ago. In every victory I'll praise Him. And in every moment that I'm struggling - and believe me, there's more of those than I care to count... in those moments, I'll remember that His mercies are new every morning.
I've changed in the last year. And by last year I don't mean last week when it was 2013. These last six months have been quite possibly the hardest six months of my entire life. And in all honesty, I don't particularly anticipate the next six months to be any different. Or easier. Work is hard. Being a nurse - what's more, being a night nurse - is hard. Growing up is hard. Losing friends and community is hard. Finishing a part of a calling on your life and having no stinking clue where to go after that is hard. And learning to remain faithful to your word, work, ministry, etc, and staying where you know you're supposed to, while you know God is calling and preparing you for something else, somewhere else, after that is freaking hard. I'm not going to pretend that the start of a new year can bring a change in me or my circumstances. That doesn't happen overnight. What I can say is that I will continue to fight. And I'll continue to journey through this freaking hard season so that I can come out on the other side more firmly planted in the foundation that is my Father's love than I've ever been. To be a more pure and holy reflection of Him than I was a year ago, a week ago, or a moment ago. In every victory I'll praise Him. And in every moment that I'm struggling - and believe me, there's more of those than I care to count... in those moments, I'll remember that His mercies are new every morning.
12.09.2013
Desperate
Hunger will always be an option until desperation becomes a demand.
You know, there are times when you can ignore hunger. And if you’re a tech or a worship leader, you probably understand this more than most. Sound checks, set designs, service productions, they all take precedence over food, sleep, breathing… okay maybe not the last one. Although there are times. However, even for those of us who understand the physical sacrifice necessary to lead people into an encounter with the Lord, there does still come a point when our bodies turn from that annoying ache and growl that we can tune out, to a loud roar and shutting down of normal functions due to lack of food. Tempers get short, minds go foggy, mistakes happen… Yep. It’s time for some food.
Our spiritual lives are the same way. Jesus wasn’t kidding when He said we live by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God. His Word is life. And when we don’t eat, this same progression happens.
A few days without intentional time in God’s presence, in His Word, may not kill you. In fact, at first, it might not even noticeably affect you. It may start as an ache, a twinge in your heart that says maybe something’s wrong. It can easily be mistaken for boredom, discontentedness, what have you. It can also easily be silenced by doing more - meeting with more people, working on more projects, going to more events. The hunger may increase in noise and become a longing, a brokenness. A cry for intimacy. But maybe you’re lonely. Maybe you just need to have more friends, or be more intentional with the ones you have. Or maybe there’s an insecurity you need to work through - or a storm to battle through. Anything to run harder.
But if you ignore that ache long enough, eventually there will come a moment when desperation sets in. In that moment, your spirit will be so loud, that whether you recognize it or not, you will be forced to make a choice. Either you feed your spirit, or you die. When desperation becomes a demand, you cannot walk away unchanged. And in that moment, your entire world shifts. When you decide that you cannot remain where you are, God invades. His power can move mountains and bring you to a new season of life that is beyond your wildest dreams. But you have to be in the right place for Him to do so. You must be desperate.
And this, my friends, is exactly where I stand right now. To say these past six months have been a storm would compete for understatement of the century. And if I’m going to be perfectly honest, I’ve rather hated it. I’ve had my entire world crumble before my eyes, and I have no idea how to handle it. Nothing is consistent in my life anymore, and what I once took for granted has been stripped away. My friends, my family, the leadership roles I’ve had, the place I call home, the job I had… my identity. It’s all changed. And in the midst of it all has been this longing, this brokenness, this yearning inside of me for something more. Sometimes I recognize it as God’s reminder to seek Him above all else. Most of the time, I mistake it for a human loneliness, or a need to work harder, or to dig deeper to work through yet another area of brokenness in my already torn heart. And in all reality, every single one of those areas have rung true in many instances. I am struggling with loneliness… purposelessness… lack of vision… brokenness. However. The bigger struggle is the aching reminder that all too often I don't turn to the only One who can fill me and satisfy me. My daily time in God’s presence never used to be an issue - since starting work, I’ve waged war to keep it consistent. The lack of a schedule, flipping my schedule constantly, and a million things pulling on me all at once have presented a bigger mountain than I’ve faced in this area. And right now, I am feeling the effects. I’m coming to a point in my heart where I am so frustrated, and confused, and torn, and discontent, that it’s all I can do to not throw my hands up, scream, and walk away from everything. But I’m also reaching a point with the Lord where He is truly my only answer. I’m standing at a crossroads, not knowing where to go or when to go, and being forced once again to completely trust the One who holds my world. Hard? Well beyond that. But worth it? Absolutely. I may be in the middle of the storm right now, but I know that at the end of this road, the collision between heaven and earth in my life will be so powerful, so beautiful, and so defining, that I will say it was worth it all.
Hunger will always be an option until desperation becomes a demand.
6.16.2013
When change knocks on your door
Sitting in a coffee shop, watching some high school and college students work behind the register... So carefree. Flexible schedules. Where the most demanding thing you'll deal with all day is a customer yelling at you for getting their iced quad shot venti lite caramel macchiato wrong. :) Or maybe having machines malfunction once in a while.
Meanwhile I sit here. Studying for my boards exam. Knowing that, pending passing the NCLEX, I will be responsible for people's lives in a matter of weeks. Part of me wishes I could go back to that stage of life. When my responsibilities really weren't that big a deal. I wasn't held accountable for someone's LIFE. Or even as someone involved in ministry, being somewhat responsible for a person's heart and actions.
Sometimes change is a choice. A transfer to another school, looking for a different part-time job, or volunteering in another ministry in the church. But sometimes it comes knocking and you have no choice but to answer and allow it to shift your world around.
I sit here with a degree in my hand, a job waiting for me, and more ministry opportunities than I know what to do with, and I know I have to let the change in. As a teen I dreamed of going out and changing the world; now I've been given the tools to begin to take action on those dreams and callings. And to be perfectly honest, sometimes that scares me. Knowing that I can never go back to the life I had. I'm called to a higher purpose than simply getting an education, going to church, and being a good sister and daughter. I have begun to build a foundation of faithfulness and obedience to the One who called me by name, and with that comes greater responsibility. The opportunities I've been given are only a stepping stone along a greater path God is now calling me to walk. Scary? Yes.
But in all reality? I would never go back even if I could. Change came knocking four years ago when I entered college, and when I finally let it in, I experienced more of God than I thought possible. Change may be out of my comfort zone, but it also brings comfort, because it means the broken things in my life don't have to stay broken.
Four years ago, my relationships with my family were often broken at best. Because I let change in, God has brought such restoration that I can't even figure out why in the world I wasted 19 years of my life in brokenness and anger.
Four years ago I was left bitter and disillusioned with a terrible track record of friendships. Because I let change in, Jesus has given me friends who love me fiercely, deeply, loyally, and uncompromisingly.
Four years ago I had no idea how to do ministry in any capacity. Because I let change in, I've learned to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit in leading small groups, one-on-one ministry, worship, tech, and many other facets.
Four years ago I wasn't even sure I'd make it into the nursing program. Because I let change in, I stand here today feeling overwhelmed on my own, but confident in who I am as a daughter of the King and Creator, knowing I can be victorious and someday be the best nurse in an entire hospital.
See a pattern? Change can look overwhelmingly terrifying when it comes knocking. But when you open the door, you find that Jesus has promised to be by your side the whole time. And really, what else do you need?
James 1:5
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask of God, who gives freely to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."
Meanwhile I sit here. Studying for my boards exam. Knowing that, pending passing the NCLEX, I will be responsible for people's lives in a matter of weeks. Part of me wishes I could go back to that stage of life. When my responsibilities really weren't that big a deal. I wasn't held accountable for someone's LIFE. Or even as someone involved in ministry, being somewhat responsible for a person's heart and actions.
Sometimes change is a choice. A transfer to another school, looking for a different part-time job, or volunteering in another ministry in the church. But sometimes it comes knocking and you have no choice but to answer and allow it to shift your world around.
I sit here with a degree in my hand, a job waiting for me, and more ministry opportunities than I know what to do with, and I know I have to let the change in. As a teen I dreamed of going out and changing the world; now I've been given the tools to begin to take action on those dreams and callings. And to be perfectly honest, sometimes that scares me. Knowing that I can never go back to the life I had. I'm called to a higher purpose than simply getting an education, going to church, and being a good sister and daughter. I have begun to build a foundation of faithfulness and obedience to the One who called me by name, and with that comes greater responsibility. The opportunities I've been given are only a stepping stone along a greater path God is now calling me to walk. Scary? Yes.
But in all reality? I would never go back even if I could. Change came knocking four years ago when I entered college, and when I finally let it in, I experienced more of God than I thought possible. Change may be out of my comfort zone, but it also brings comfort, because it means the broken things in my life don't have to stay broken.
Four years ago, my relationships with my family were often broken at best. Because I let change in, God has brought such restoration that I can't even figure out why in the world I wasted 19 years of my life in brokenness and anger.
Four years ago I was left bitter and disillusioned with a terrible track record of friendships. Because I let change in, Jesus has given me friends who love me fiercely, deeply, loyally, and uncompromisingly.
Four years ago I had no idea how to do ministry in any capacity. Because I let change in, I've learned to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit in leading small groups, one-on-one ministry, worship, tech, and many other facets.
Four years ago I wasn't even sure I'd make it into the nursing program. Because I let change in, I stand here today feeling overwhelmed on my own, but confident in who I am as a daughter of the King and Creator, knowing I can be victorious and someday be the best nurse in an entire hospital.
See a pattern? Change can look overwhelmingly terrifying when it comes knocking. But when you open the door, you find that Jesus has promised to be by your side the whole time. And really, what else do you need?
James 1:5
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask of God, who gives freely to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."
2.17.2013
5 Love Languages for Techies
Though this was written with a humorous slant to it, this article has so much truth in it I can't help but think "If only people actually understood this." So. If you're ever looking to really - REALLY - show love to a techie, I would suggest going this route. Seriously. This fits me better than Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages. I've given a few of my own thoughts on each section of this article as well, which are all in brackets. Enjoy!
You’ve heard of the Five Languages
of Love. Those are for normal people. For techies, a different approach is
required.
by Mike Sessler
Words of Affirmation
This doesn’t look different, but the
implications are far greater. Most techies only hear words of dis-affirmation;
“The mic’s not working,” “The camera is out of focus,” “It’s too loud,” “The
light is in my eyes,” “It’s too soft...” the list goes on. The quickest way to
a techie’s heart is to tell them they’ve done something well. This is good
advice for anyone, but it’s important to know that techies are used to dealing
with a barrage of complaints on a regular basis. Thus, any time anyone has
anything to say to them, they are typically on the defensive from the start. In
fact, I know some techs who never hear anything from leadership except
criticism. I suggest saying a few positive things here and there; it makes it a
lot easier to hear criticism when it’s appropriate.
[True. Words of affirmation is one of my top love languages, and as a techie, well... like the article said. It can be rough sometimes.]
Be On Time
This looks similar to Quality time,
but it’s quite different. Most techies I know are First In, Last Out (or as we
say in the trade—FILO). At our church, my tech team arrives at noon on
Saturday, and doesn’t leave until everyone else is gone. On Sunday morning
we’re the first in again at 7:30, and are still coiling cables long after
everyone else has a table at Chilli’s. We show up early because we want to make
sure everything is set up and ready to go when the band arrives making sound
check and rehearsal as quick and productive as possible. Want to exasperate a
techie who’s already been there since 7:30? Show up late, then take your time
getting your station set up, then act impatient during the soundcheck process.
It’s no fun to sit around for 30 minutes with nothing to do while waiting for
the band to show up, especially if we’re blamed for sound check running long
(and we usually are). Be in place and ready to go when you’re supposed to be
and your techie will feel very loved.
[Story. Of. My. Life. Psalm 15 talks about the qualities of the one who can walk with God, and one verse says "he swears to his own hurt and does not change." In other words, you keep your word no matter the cost. And if you've agreed to the times for rehearsals, or meetings, or whatever, just be there.]
Similar to receiving gifts, we like it when gear manufacturers show up with good swag, plain and simple. In the last few years, with the economy suffering, the quality of swag has gone downhill. This does not show love. If we’re going to spend a whole day on a show floor, walking around looking at gear and eating sub-standard convention center food, we want to at least take home some decent stuff. EV gave me a sweet little Leatherman mini multi-tool over Christmas. I felt loved. Yamaha gave me a really nice fleece coat. I felt loved. A pen with your company logo on it? Not so much. Unless it’s a Pilot G-2 .5 mm black. Then maybe. But I can get those at Staples. And it’s easy. So probably not.
[This would be my brother... :)]
Acts of Load-In and Load-Out
We techies do a lot of work. We move Steeldeck, road cases, cables, lights, speakers, mics, drum kits, guitar amps and so on. The guys and gals who work in a portable church setting are deserving of special recognition. The Bible tells us that many hands make for light work, and the same is true for what we do. If you see two guys pushing a bunch of cases in, ask if you can help. Please ask, because sometimes we have a system and your help doesn’t, well, help. Most times though, and extra set of hands of two can really make our lives easier. It’s also important to note that techies are not technically janitors, though that’s not apparent in our day to day lives. Almost every week we pick up bottles of water (most of them opened with .25 ounces missing--the classic one-swig per bottle), sandwich wrappers, broken drum sticks and various other detritus left behind by the musicians. If you want to share some love with your tech team, pick up your own trash.
[Or at least have some appreciation for the work techies put in to make bands/worship teams/pastors/etc look flawless.]
Food
Specifically, bacon. Forget touch, we like to eat. As I said, we work really hard, and we do so for long hours. Having a steady stream of food makes the tech booth a happy place to be. I know of one non-techie church leader who used to regularly bring the tech team treats, lunch, donuts, coffee, whatever (Jan, you’re a hero to all techies everywhere!). Do you think her tech team was happy and would do just about anything? You bet! Here at Coast, we have a great group of volunteers who bring breakfast every Sunday morning. A big steaming plate of bacon sure takes the edge of a 7:30 AM call time. We also have people bring in lunch and dinner during really big production seasons like Christmas and Easter. I can work 12 hours a day a lot easier when lunch and dinner show up at regular intervals.
[As a techie, I often forget that most people can't function if they're hungry. I've worked so many shows/concerts/etc where food just isn't an option where time is concerned, so we just go hungry. And usually it's so late when we get home at night that I would rather sleep than eat. Want to bless your tech team? Or your worship team, for that matter... Feed them. It makes things run a lot smoother when we're not hungry and tired because of an empty stomach.]
[This section holds my only exception to this article... Unlike many techies, I am VERY much a physical touch person. Rough night? A hug can go a long ways....... Trust me.]
So there you go. A few quick thoughts on how to show love to your local tech crew. A well-loved and appreciated tech crew will move mountains for you; learning their love languages is an investment worth making.
2.12.2013
Family
Three years ago last week, a good friend of mine was killed in a freak accident. Dustin was a freshman in college, as was I, when he was hit by a car in the middle of a snow storm, and he died in the hospital a couple days later.
The raw pain I and so many others felt over losing him still rears its head sometimes. Like today. It's still hard to believe someone so passionate, so full of life, so full of the love of Jesus, could be taken so abruptly. It's a sobering reminder of just how fragile life is, and it's a challenge to constantly check my heart and ask the question "If this was my last breath, would I be okay with standing before God and giving an account for my life?" And it's a battle to keep an eternal mindset. To remember that, though it hurts today, and I'll miss him for as long as I draw breath in this life, eventually, we'll all be in the same place, for all of eternity.
I still miss him. I miss his smile, his majorly wacky sense of humor, his talent as a musician, his love for Jesus and for those around him... I can still see him playing on the drums, closing his eyes and zoning out, giving me that goofy grin as he purposely starts messing around with the beat of a song, just to see my reaction on the piano. I miss hearing the excitement in his voice as he talked about the dreams he had for the classmates he'd started bringing with him to Chi Alpha or church. This side of heaven, I don't think I'll ever understand why he was taken from earth, practically before his life had even begun.
But. In that awful week, I did begin to understand one thing. For the first time, I felt first-hand what it meant to be a part of the family of God. That week, and in the weeks following, God surrounded me with friends who, for the first time in my life, showed me the love and support I'd so often given to others. Throughout high school, I walked a number of friends through some pretty rough situations. I'd done my best to be a rock of support, and to always be there for them and just love them the way Jesus does. It never really occurred to me that someone would do the same for me. And not even just one someone. That week I had more friends pouring into me, loving on me, and just being there for me, than I ever could have asked for. I could tell you story after story of how my friends were Jesus with skin on to me.
And since then, that love has only become more real to me. I am continually astonished at the unconditional love I'm shown. I don't deserve it, and I don't understand it. But it sure makes it easier to understand the Father's love. And it also makes it a lot easier to pour it out into the lives of those around me. After all, that's what being a part of God's family is all about.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of all compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."
~2 Corinthians 1:3-5
The raw pain I and so many others felt over losing him still rears its head sometimes. Like today. It's still hard to believe someone so passionate, so full of life, so full of the love of Jesus, could be taken so abruptly. It's a sobering reminder of just how fragile life is, and it's a challenge to constantly check my heart and ask the question "If this was my last breath, would I be okay with standing before God and giving an account for my life?" And it's a battle to keep an eternal mindset. To remember that, though it hurts today, and I'll miss him for as long as I draw breath in this life, eventually, we'll all be in the same place, for all of eternity.
I still miss him. I miss his smile, his majorly wacky sense of humor, his talent as a musician, his love for Jesus and for those around him... I can still see him playing on the drums, closing his eyes and zoning out, giving me that goofy grin as he purposely starts messing around with the beat of a song, just to see my reaction on the piano. I miss hearing the excitement in his voice as he talked about the dreams he had for the classmates he'd started bringing with him to Chi Alpha or church. This side of heaven, I don't think I'll ever understand why he was taken from earth, practically before his life had even begun.
But. In that awful week, I did begin to understand one thing. For the first time, I felt first-hand what it meant to be a part of the family of God. That week, and in the weeks following, God surrounded me with friends who, for the first time in my life, showed me the love and support I'd so often given to others. Throughout high school, I walked a number of friends through some pretty rough situations. I'd done my best to be a rock of support, and to always be there for them and just love them the way Jesus does. It never really occurred to me that someone would do the same for me. And not even just one someone. That week I had more friends pouring into me, loving on me, and just being there for me, than I ever could have asked for. I could tell you story after story of how my friends were Jesus with skin on to me.
And since then, that love has only become more real to me. I am continually astonished at the unconditional love I'm shown. I don't deserve it, and I don't understand it. But it sure makes it easier to understand the Father's love. And it also makes it a lot easier to pour it out into the lives of those around me. After all, that's what being a part of God's family is all about.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of all compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."
~2 Corinthians 1:3-5
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