Desperate

Hunger will always be an option until desperation becomes a demand.

You know, there are times when you can ignore hunger. And if you’re a tech or a worship leader, you probably understand this more than most. Sound checks, set designs, service productions, they all take precedence over food, sleep, breathing… okay maybe not the last one. Although there are times. However, even for those of us who understand the physical sacrifice necessary to lead people into an encounter with the Lord, there does still come a point when our bodies turn from that annoying ache and growl that we can tune out, to a loud roar and shutting down of normal functions due to lack of food. Tempers get short, minds go foggy, mistakes happen… Yep. It’s time for some food.

Our spiritual lives are the same way. Jesus wasn’t kidding when He said we live by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God. His Word is life. And when we don’t eat, this same progression happens.

A few days without intentional time in God’s presence, in His Word, may not kill you. In fact, at first, it might not even noticeably affect you. It may start as an ache, a twinge in your heart that says maybe something’s wrong. It can easily be mistaken for boredom, discontentedness, what have you. It can also easily be silenced by doing more - meeting with more people, working on more projects, going to more events. The hunger may increase in noise and become a longing, a brokenness. A cry for intimacy. But maybe you’re lonely. Maybe you just need to have more friends, or be more intentional with the ones you have. Or maybe there’s an insecurity you need to work through - or a storm to battle through. Anything to run harder.

But if you ignore that ache long enough, eventually there will come a moment when desperation sets in. In that moment, your spirit will be so loud, that whether you recognize it or not, you will be forced to make a choice. Either you feed your spirit, or you die. When desperation becomes a demand, you cannot walk away unchanged. And in that moment, your entire world shifts. When you decide that you cannot remain where you are, God invades. His power can move mountains and bring you to a new season of life that is beyond your wildest dreams. But you have to be in the right place for Him to do so. You must be desperate.

And this, my friends, is exactly where I stand right now. To say these past six months have been a storm would compete for understatement of the century. And if I’m going to be perfectly honest, I’ve rather hated it. I’ve had my entire world crumble before my eyes, and I have no idea how to handle it. Nothing is consistent in my life anymore, and what I once took for granted has been stripped away. My friends, my family, the leadership roles I’ve had, the place I call home, the job I had… my identity. It’s all changed. And in the midst of it all has been this longing, this brokenness, this yearning inside of me for something more. Sometimes I recognize it as God’s reminder to seek Him above all else. Most of the time, I mistake it for a human loneliness, or a need to work harder, or to dig deeper to work through yet another area of brokenness in my already torn heart. And in all reality, every single one of those areas have rung true in many instances. I am struggling with loneliness… purposelessness… lack of vision… brokenness. However. The bigger struggle is the aching reminder that all too often I don't turn to the only One who can fill me and satisfy me. My daily time in God’s presence never used to be an issue - since starting work, I’ve waged war to keep it consistent. The lack of a schedule, flipping my schedule constantly, and a million things pulling on me all at once have presented a bigger mountain than I’ve faced in this area. And right now, I am feeling the effects. I’m coming to a point in my heart where I am so frustrated, and confused, and torn, and discontent, that it’s all I can do to not throw my hands up, scream, and walk away from everything. But I’m also reaching a point with the Lord where He is truly my only answer. I’m standing at a crossroads, not knowing where to go or when to go, and being forced once again to completely trust the One who holds my world. Hard? Well beyond that. But worth it? Absolutely. I may be in the middle of the storm right now, but I know that at the end of this road, the collision between heaven and earth in my life will be so powerful, so beautiful, and so defining, that I will say it was worth it all.

Hunger will always be an option until desperation becomes a demand.