As I've said before, this year has been a storm beyond anything I ever saw coming. And in all honesty I never would have asked for it if I knew what it was going to entail. Everything I've ever known to be constant has been stripped from me and I've been left with a world crumbling around me. I've had to learn how to work through the realization that just because you're called to something doesn't mean you're going to be passionate about it. And for me, not being passionate about something that takes up the majority of my time is not something I'm used to. I also don't handle it very well. Most of the time, if I'm going to do something, I either do it with a drive that borders on reckless, or I forget about it altogether. No middle ground. Until you give your word to stick to something for a year and about three months in you realize you don't like it, and you're stuck with the fact that you gave your word. Amidst the waiting, the process, the battle... the storm... I've lost friends, my community, my strengths, the areas of ministry I once was so passionate about, my identity... Nothing left as the Lord has begun to rebuild a foundation that I didn't realize needed to be there. I've been a tad bitter about it at times.
However.
Back in January I was at a SALT conference and the Lord totally nailed me about it one night. During worship, I wasn't on the team for the night, so I was just off to the side of the stage worshiping. We started singing Hillsong's "I Surrender," which is a song that had really become my heart's cry about a year previously. Part of the bridge says "Like a mighty storm, stir within my soul. Lord have Your way in me." And as the team sang this, the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said "You asked for it." I had to sit there for a while to let that sink in and come to terms with it. Because He was absolutely right. There are times in your life when you become so desperate to reach a new level of intimacy with God that you will be forced to say "No matter the cost, I just need You." In my case, it usually comes in the form of songs... and the one that happened to move my heart asked for a storm. Oops.
The seasons of life come and go, and I think half our battle is to simply be okay with living in the ebb and flow of emotions and passions... the highs and lows. I want so badly to be over the weight of frustration, pain, and depression that can linger and overwhelm as the enemy wounds you over and over in the same raw, tender areas. But sometimes the whole point of the storm is to learn to anchor yourself in who you KNOW God to be. That He loves you, He is for you, and He knows what He's doing. When we try to run from the storm we end up sinking - but when we focus on Jesus, we still may feel the waves crashing around us, but He will hold our head above those waves. And every battle we face, every storm that rages over us, is a new opportunity to choose to trust the One who promised He would never leave us.
Hillsong: I Surrender
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