The difference

As I look back at what the last 12 months have wrought in my life, I can hardly believe the change.

One year ago, I was terrified and angry at the thought of going to college. I didn't know what it would bring; I felt the academic pressures like never before; I felt lost and alone; mostly, I didn't want to be there. I was dreading being on campus.

This year, I am so excited to be back in school and on campus that if I think about for too long, my heart starts racing, my hands start shaking, and I've been known to scream in anticipation. I am so, so, SO ready to be back!!!!! And yes, I am shaking as I type this. :)

So what's the difference? Why is this year so drastically different from last year? Is it because I've had a year of experience? Because the academic pressures aren't quite so demanding? Well, I'm sure that helps. Knowing what I'm getting into definitely takes away some anxiety.

But ultimately, none of that even comes close to answering the question. No, there is one, simple explanation for this difference: Love. Love has transformed me from the inside out, and Love is the reason I am where I am today.

A year ago, I was angry at God for calling me to be on campus. I didn't question it, because I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was where He had placed me; but I did complain. I harbored bitterness within my soul and allowed it to cloud my view and distort my perception of college. I viewed it as a battlefield, and every battle I faced, I faced with anger. And while I may have been wrong in my attitude, the campus is most definitely still a battlefield. The thing I was forgetting is that Love had already conquered that kingdom. All I was called to do was step in and reign in the Name of Jesus. As a child of the Living God, as a joint-heir with Christ, my purpose is not to destroy everything around me, but to build up the people around me. Jesus said "let your light shine before men," not "set everything and everyone around you on fire and destroy them."

A year ago, I felt like I was abandoning everything I once held dear; my family, my home, my security. I was leaving my friends and the world I had grown up in; I felt alone and afraid. But once again it was my perception and attitude that were distorted. As I came to the place of surrendering everything to the One I serve, He showed me Love exemplified in a way I had never experienced before. I had friends come draw me in and make me part of their family. I truly gained brothers and sisters, whom I love more than words could ever say. I had friends who looked past the hardness and brokenness on the outside to the place where they knew God was working, and God worked through them to mentor me into the person I am today. As for leaving my security, I am glad to say it was the best thing that's ever happened to me. I have been pushed so far out of my comfort zone that I don't think I could find my way back even if I wanted to. And I don't.

And because of the transformation that has taken place on the inside of me, I am overflowing with that Love. All I want to do is pour the Love that has been shown me into the lives of those around me. I'm finally beginning to catch a fleeting glimpse of my Savior's vision for our campus, and I am ready to run with it.

That is what defines this year as so different from last year. Love has been poured out on me, washed through me, and is flowing out of me.